Between my Unwanted Friend Ennui and I


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It’s been a long long long time hot minute since my last blog post. ┬áSomeone actually asked if I was dead because I was not posting ­čśé. It’s a bit of dark humour but I appreciate it, it keeps me on my feet making sure I can’t just slack off anytime I want.

The time is almost 3 am, I am writing this because I can’t sleep. ┬áAlso because I have put it off long enough.

I am listening to ‘Take me Home Country Road by John Denver’ on repeat . There’s a particular line that resonates with me- “Take me home to the place I belong”. Probably because right down I don’t feel like I belong anywhere.

The Merriam Webster dictionary defines Ennui as

1.A feeling of weariness or dissatisfaction ;

2.A lack of spirit, enthusiasm, or interest

I have been having one of my episodes where I feel lost and out of place like I should be somewhere else.
Common place things make me depressed and stirs up this desire in me to be alone for long periods of time.

This time my chosen playlist has been sad slow country songs with the occasional Adele and Ed sheeran thrown in. I still smile, laugh even but inside it’s like something is squeezing the life out of me.

Now I can’t remember why I started writing. ┬áBut I just knew I wanted to put down this feeling somewhere and since this blog is my diary /soapbox /everything else, I might as well put it here.

Yes I am going to get over it but I want to know if anyone feels or has every felt like this and what they do or have done to feel better.

I just want to assure you guys that I don’t think of self harming or anything. I just want to know I am not alone.

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